March 08, 2005
Archie Van Gogh
As I reflect through the things that just occured...one song played in my music collection... how timely...
Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and gray
Look out on a summer's day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul
This is one of those days, when you think everything you ever did in your life was wrong... a mistake... a joke from God...
Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colors on the snowy linen land
I don't understand why i have to feel this way. This is freakin' pathetic writing it in my blog. But this is the only outlet for me for now. (I sound so emotional...maybe even gay to alot of people...haha that's how i feel now -
emotional huh, not gay - and i don't really care what people reading this will think) See even when I wanna say something serious I try to lighten it up and joke about it. I iritate myself.
Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now
All my life, I try to be good at things...and -
not to sound arrogant - I've succeed in that. I was top in school, even popular or at least well accepted as I call it. I got a scholarship to Singapore. I believe I'm born to lead. I can dance, sing, act, play sports pretty decently. Basically give me anything and I'll do it even better.
Starry, starry night
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violet haze
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue
Colors changing hue
Morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand
But right now, all that seemed useless. My life's crumbling before my eyes. I've disappointed, wronged, offended, laughed at, pissed, burned a lot of people. And most of them, I care about. I screwed up pretty badly. And all that was left was me.
Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now
And now, I feel alone. I don't think anyone uderstands. I don't think anyone ever did, ever will.
For they could not love you
But still your love was true
And when no hope was left inside
On that starry, starry night
You took your life as lovers often do
But I could have told you Vincent
This world was never meant for one as
beautiful as you
Funny how I'm writing in the context of a song written for Van Gough. But when a song speaks to you, it just does. I don't think I'll be taking my life like him. That's not for me to decide. But one thing's common, I'm feeling as alone as he must have felt back then. Misunderstood. Condemned. But unlike him, I'm also at fault.
Starry, starry night
Portraits hung in empty halls
Frameless heads on nameless walls
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget
Like the strangers that you've met
The ragged men in ragged clothes
The silver thorn of bloody rose
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow
Now I think I know
What you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they're not listening still
Perhaps they never will
When will someone understand? I used to really care that people will, that i will find close friends who will... It seems like a trivial question to me now. Have I crashed and burned... probably, but i'd like to think of it as going back to the One who's been there all the time. I've got issues most people can't handle. But He can, and He will. Like Van Gough, I'd like to leave a legacy. The paintings he drew was appreciated only after his time...but still he left a mark on this world. As my one true friend tells me, there's so much things to do, things will unravel in His own time, His own way. I just gotta let Him lead the way. I've plunged down and crashed. Now the only way to go, is UP.
***song: Vincent by Don McLean
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